February 8th, 2009

Current Music: The Cure - Cut Here Subject: been a while Time: 04:42 am Current Mood: bored

ok this is just because i dont like to post these on myspace. also i havent used this in years. i posted this same thing when i moved here about 7 years ago (will be 7 in april) there are some changes- 10 Bands You Have Seen Live____ 1. Soultorn 2. Bella Morte 4 times 3. The Mission UK 4. Vnv Nation 5. L7 3 times 6. Pigface 7. Ministry 8. The Smashing Pumkins on their very last tour 9. Nevermore 10. The Genitorturers 09 Things You're Looking Forward To____ 1. Going to Vegas to visit with my parents when they go 2. eventually seeing home again - its been a while 3. heather's next visit 4. my next days off 5. the pay check i never see (i'm reaching for things to fill this in) 6. going out... basically to anywhere, but work. 7. twilight on dvd 8. midnight sun 9. lunch tomorrow, i don't know why. 08 Things You Wear Daily____ 1. hair tie lol. 2. fuzzy slippers 3. skirt/pants 4. bra 5. rings 6. necklace 7. glasses 8. robe 07 Things That Annoy You____ 1. arguing with ryan 2. being lonely all the time 3. not getting out. 4. missing home 5. stupid customers at work 6. pot heads 7. drunks 06 Things You Touch Every Day____ 1. keyboard 2. mouse 3. microwave 4. headphones 5. bed 6. ryan 05 Movies You Could Watch Over and Over_(not the ones i like the most)___ 1. rocky horror picture show... 2. better off dead 3. cry baby 4. addams family 5. batman returns 04 People You'd Want to Spend More Time With____ 1. heather 2. christina 3. mom 4. dad 03 Girls/Boys You have Kissed____ 1. ryan m. 2. brandon c. 3. roy m. 02 Of Your Favorite Songs At This Moment____ 1. The Killers - Who Let You Go 2. Christian Death - Spiritual Cramp 01 Person You Could Spend the Rest of Your Life With____ 1. ryan

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July 8th, 2006

Subject: last post Time: 11:45 pm

damn, what was i thinking there... i really should stop posting when im pmsing. lol. damn... im like a different person every time it happens. oh well.

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June 28th, 2006

Subject: hmm Time: 11:36 am

so much going on in my head right now. yes i still have this... not that i use it much. but i have to vent something. about a week or so ago, i got a messege from brandon declairing that he still is in love with me. its a fucked up thing he's doing to me. i care. everyone i have ever loved at any time, i still love...if i truely did love them. so this... is really hard on me. i got pressure from friends and ryan just to drop brandon square on his ass, say goodbye permanently, block him and get on with things. so i did. but now that little voice in my head says "what about brandon's feelings?". i mean, theres nothing i can salvage. i imagine he is very mad at me, i suppose i did some leading to it. i didnt think it would come to that. i was being friendly and i suppose a bit flirty, and i guess it was a mistake. i feel like i may have lead him to that. my catholic guilt is eating me up. im sure he's mad now, thats how takes thing.. angry and sad, rejected... but he has done this before and i have been on the reciving end of so much pain. he comes and he goes and i guess since im in california he thinks theres a chance to try again. this is not so. i dont imagine ryan will let me ever leave, not that i would want to. yes visit, yes be friends, yes talk from time to time... but nothing else. i bet he could have been friends with ryan, they may have liked eachother... maybe. i dunno. its a pipe dream, and a weak hope. never the less i care that he may be hurting. i guess i just have to try my best to forget him all over again...

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February 24th, 2006

Current Music: !?!?? Time: 08:34 pm Current Mood: annoyed

so yeah. i got a chair for my computer today *exciting* (ha!) yep. nothing going on here. im so sad and bored. i miss my texas friends just wanted everyone to know that yep thats all for now. perhaps i'll have more to say next time!

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December 20th, 2005

Time: 09:40 am Current Mood: cynical

things have been happening recently. the worlds spinning out of my control. on dec 10th my grandmother (mom's mom) passed away. basicly old age... i've spent the last few weeks kind of stewing in my own thoughts about it. i am still now worried about my mom and what she will do with herself now. she had dedicated all of her time, since she retired, to me assuring the highest amount of comfort for my grandmother at her rest home. she wont know what to do with herself now, i mean aside from baby sitting my nephews. but the woman needs a break. as far as my grandmother, well, i loved her, she had a big hand in raising my sister and i. she was an ingenious and loving woman. alzhiemers came and took her mind, she didnt know me when i was last there, but i am glad she held out through that, it would be the last time i see her. she looked agonized. now she may finaly rest. its been hard enough the relax myself enough to say that. but now... my mom and dad have made a trip to tennessee... but just before they left, a call was recieved, my dad.s mother (who is suffering from cancer, and was just on her "make a wish foundation"-style trip to disney world in florida) became suddenly very ill and might not even make it back to tennessee. you can imagine what that means to us. they called yesterday and left me some phone number to call, but im not sure if its right because that illiterate fool phil wrote it down and he always reverses some of the numbers. every time. (callin out to annie, if you have the number, messege me please... if you ever see this)... this is killing me, that i cant be in either place. lastly, ryan has been ousted from ATBAB. rob & jake particularly felt he wasnt "pulling his own weight" in the band... they felt he sould have been breaking his back promoting this band since he is the only one with and internet connection. well guess what guys, he never cared about this band. its not his project. he was just going to show up, sing , and leave. every time. and yes he missed practices, because you'd all show up whenever the whim hit you, and he was always at work, and why? because you never planned it with him. well good riddance. i was getting sick of the noise. and booting him, boots me too, no website, ever. no logo, nothing. dont ask me. in the mean time, ryan is planning on re-awakening his 'project'. its for the better.

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November 28th, 2005

Subject: just because Time: 12:35 am

1. Name someone with the same birthday as you? Victoria... (someone i went to school with) 2. Where was your first kiss? 15 3. Have you ever seriously vandalized someone else's property? no. 4. Have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex? maybe once.. 5. Have you ever sung in front of a large number of people? many times with choir, karaokee and a solo choir final... fun 6. What's the first thing you notice about the preferred sex? eyes/hair 7. What really turns you on? that's a secret. 8. What do you order at Starbucks? pepermint mocha frapp, or caramel machiatto 9. What is your biggest mistake? hmm... i'll pass. 10. Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose? nothing serious. 11. Say something totally random about yourself. i like cheese? 12. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity? Patricia Morrison.. at least in pictures... i try to see it... but... 13. Do you still watch kiddy movies or tv shows? on occasion... go teen titans! 14. Did you have braces? Yes. 15. Are you comfortable with your height? Wish I was taller... 16. What is the most romantic thing someone of the opposite sex has done for you? hmm, most recently it was "its cold here, maybe thats just because you arent here. its hard to sleep at night, i toss and turn, sleep on your side some nights then my side others..." 17. When do you know it's love? even after they have left the room, i can still smell/feel/hear them... they stay with me like a lingering taste in my mouth, a cloud of smoke in the air... the world isnt right for me without their magic in my life. 18. Do you speak any other languages? tiny snip-its of spanish, german and itallian. 19. Have you ever been to a tanning salon? bright lights? on my skin?!? never! 20. What magazines do you read? eh, i dont typically... if i had a choice: gothic beauty, in style, figure... i like the straddle the fence. 21. Have you ever ridden in a limo? no. 22. Has anyone you were really close to passed away? not really. 23. Do you watch mtv? maybe when i was 15. 24. What's something that really annoys you? appologising too much, talking about pointless things that dont interest me, pretending to be my friend. 25. What's something you really like? 26. Do you like Michael Jackson? i did, loved his moonwalker movie. 27. Can you dance? i try. 28. What's the latest you have ever stayed up? i make it to 5pm the next day usually before i colapse 29. Have you ever been rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room? broke my right leg when i was 11, most terrifying experience ever... i wasn't even that worried about my leg. it was the ambulance, with the bottles & needles rattling against the cabinets as it shook and rummbled over potholes, that scared me. 30. Do you actually read these when other people fill them out? sometimes.

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November 27th, 2005

Current Music: tv murmuring in the background Subject: homeward Time: 11:34 pm Current Mood: calm

well, i've come to the end of my adventure... got a lot done... hit lane bryant twice, some of my finds will be christmas presents; got to see la cantera, went to ingram; saw two movies "ice harvest" and "walk the line" (both were good movies, both were also free...); hit atomix and sanctuary; saw two concerts, the rev. then later provision/system syn/shiny toy guns... i realized while at sanctuary that i missed the clubs so very much... i miss dancing, and my friends, though few they were (another realization)... im ready to go back now. ryan misses me as well, when last we talked he said "its cold here, or maybe thats because you arent here"... it made me smile. farewell.

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November 21st, 2005

Current Music: my dad's rythmic snores... Subject: home again Time: 12:47 am Current Mood: calm

im in san antonio now, for anyone else who doesnt know. i have been here since the 16th, just slacking on posting here since its up everywhere else. i'll be here til the 29th i believe, i wont know until the tix are bought. made this trip in two one-way tix. so yeah. there ya go, im here. on the 17th anne & niel took me to see the reverend horton heat. i agreed more for them, than for me. niel's buddy mikey was there, he's an alright guy. reall computer smart, working and going to school for some computer degree. i was affraid to talk to him right away, i remember being a fool when i met him, and i think it ruined me to him for a long time. my anne and niel seemed to think i had some big fictional crush on him, which is bs. sure i flirted, but only as badly as anne did as well. so yeah, anyway... anne and niel were...well handing on to eachother... it was almost nasty to see. mikey slinked off to the back, he didnt like all the loud music so much... he prefered the bar (and a few beers)... so i sat back with him alot of the time and chatted. im sure this perpetuated whatever anne thinks about what i think of him. whatever. just because i like my guys tall, slender and somewhat nerdy looking, doesnt mean i was in love with mikey. he rejected my flirtations way back when anyway. i mean, im the "little sister" of his best friend's wife. i dont count. thats ok... no problem now. it was nice to have someone to talk intelligently to. the next day i went off to see christine for a little bit... she had her kids so we couldnt do much or move very fast... no problem, it was good to see them and her as well. i missed her, theres no other person in this world that could be her, replace her, anything. we later picked up her hubby, richard, got dinner, rented a movie called "Heights"... it was interesting, but hard to follow with little kids running about crying and screaming. argh. oh well, i hope to see her sometime, sans-youngins'... saturday, went to Atomix, met up with sergio & martin... i missed these guys. i love my old club buddies, its strange the relationship i have with them, i suppose they replaced my "school" friends... i didnt do much today... stayed in, went to lunch with everyone, came home and watched my nephew play in the leaves... my dad BBQ'ed dinner...shrimp shishkabobs...good stuff.. though i missed the PBDC show tonight, i wanted to see them. i'll have more time to go out this week. other than that... i've been having a slight mental crisis... i've been dreaming some recently of my first love. i'll not name any names. its been maybe once or twice a month every few months since i left home... i wonder what my head is saying to me... these dreams have gotten more frequent since my arrival here... today i found him on myspace... hmm... married it says... i hope the girl knows just how lucky she is. he's a great guy. this will help my head to rest.... i had the same issues with letting go of brandon... i think in this case its more guilt... for how i dumped this guy(dropped like a hot potato)... he didnt deserve it... i get this way from time to time... oh well. internal drama, i need some source of stress when i dont have ryan to bicker with from time to time :)

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October 16th, 2005

Tags: ... and cramped and achey too... Subject: i think i can, i think i can, i think i can... strangle someone now. Time: 09:56 pm Current Mood: drained

ok. so the station is doing The Little Engine That Could event now. this was the first weekned of a 2 weekned thing. fun. the one highlight is enjoying the sight of malakai playing his flute or his pan pipes, our trainsinger's son. hey i -can- look at him, can't i? he's a pretty cool guy it seems, but i really must get over this little school girl-esque crush. im not in a position to choose. thats ok though, i can look all i want, dance to his songs on the train, sing along... whatever. oh, did i mention that i have to dress up as a doll? interesting. but i suppose its fun. no one really knows that the girls that are dressed as dolls are dolls though, maybe if we had done something recognizable, like raggedy ann or something. oh well. it gives me an excuse to dance and sing along with the train singer, and not seem foolish. i look foolish enough as it is, might as well enhance the experience. fun stuff, i suppose. its nice to be on the train anyway, i get on at the end of the day, after being on my feet all day handing out tickets. whee. so thats my weekend in a summery also, i bought a new game, "Vampire - Ihe Masquerade: Bloodlines". i am aware this is based off a LARP, i was silly enough to buy the Book Of Nod when i was younger... i was just curious to see what it was about, looked interesting, i didnt understand its purpose then. it was a facinating read for me, and then i had met someone later who was into it, and i knew only what i had read from the book. i think he dismissed me as some sort of 'posure' at the time since i knew little about it and little about the gothic genere at the time, but hey i was 16, and just barely getting my feet wet. im still offened to this day too. lol i think its mostly because i had this silly little crush on him and he dismissed me over my lack of knowledge of Vampire - The Masquerade. pft! who needs em anyway, screw 'im! thats what i say now. i didn't understand D&D when i got here, and Ryan could care less, so whats that say about that geek-snob :) anyway!! this game is excellent, glad i bought it, the graphics are good, and im doing well at it. its fairly easy to add points into the character sheet and mold your character as you see fit. plus you get to solicite hookers for blood and kill gang members too! (oh come now, tell me you havent wanted to do that at least once, dont lie... ok you've at least wanted to slap them, right?) In the words of Martha "Crack-Yo'-Skull-Wit-A-Rollin'-Pin" Stewart "It's a good thing." so yeah, fun stuff, and i can play this on my other computer when ryan is home monopolizing this one, thats the best part. i didnt spend $600 on it for nothing. hurray.

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October 6th, 2005

Current Music: The Cure - Pictures of You Subject: and the past returns... (this is a rant) Time: 10:19 pm Current Mood: nostalgic

this has been a nostalgic week for me... i rediscovered the wbs.net boards, endlessrant returned (probably happened far before i found it though) and somehow on myspace my sister has found me and added me. thats ok i guess. also havent listened to the cure in a while. anyway. so im here listening and remembering how much a certain person hated this particular song... and then began to think of someone else. my sister. ...and i wonder why she defines herself as she does now. after finding her, and reading up again on her, i am facinated to see that she has one of those silly test results posted on her myspace proclaiming her to be a 'perky goth'. i have always hated how this happens. everything i find to make my own, everything i seek out and research and bury myself in, she dives in after me. thats always annoyed me to no end. i wanted my life separate from hers... in highschool i started learning guitar, taking classes, etc... i took choir... she was in theater, i had no interest in it. eventually, she joined choir and guitar as well, i wanted to strangle her... these were my domains, i worked hard to do what i did and she sweeps in at the last moment and steals my idea. i liked all of this goofy gloomy gothy stuff first, i went to the clubs, the concerts, i looked up the music, and the musicians... and here she goes... she did this before, and i suppose felt out of place then, but since i am not there, she has claimed it. and perhaps its her way of connecting with me, understanding me, and being that i am so far away, maybe its how she misses me. i dont care, i think she should go back to her ska/punk/big band stuff and leave my favorite things out of it. dont get me wrong, i love her, but i dont like her doing this. following my lead, or whatever, though immitation is the highest flattery, i dont appreciate it from her. she needs to attend to her own life. and keep it as her own... find her niche' without taking over mine... ya know?

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October 2nd, 2005

Tags: -yawn- Subject: yaarrrr Time: 08:29 pm Current Mood: cold

havent updated in a while i know. lots of work. boring days full of pointless online quizes... which prove and explain nothing important. im working on a website for ryan's band, if your curious of their sound go here: http://www.myspace.com/amidstthebloodandblack they had a fairly successful show last night, made some cash... i'm sure there was almost 200 people there, nice for a small town thing. wore my newest corset. ryan poked fun at me for it since my reasoning was that it was more formal and not so embelished as my underbust one, so better for more everyday things... lol then i wear it to the metalfest, rather than my buckled and studded underbust corset. well whatever, i looked good :) the highlight of my day today was downloading fonts and making fliers for the upcoming events at the Depot. pretty sad, eh.

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September 1st, 2005

Subject: argh Time: 08:56 am Current Mood: contemplative

back to good old tabular indent... i missed the look, i like it better than the others... and this new system rocks my socks... easy color editing :) anyway! lots of things going on... one of my grandmothers has breast cancer... (well i knew that, but yeah... they already took care of the breast part of it ;-;) it has been discovered to have traveled and formed a tumor in her leg reaching from her hip down past her knee... its inoperable and concidered terminal. the doctor hasent said how long she has. my other grandmother continues to decend into her dementia, she cannot speak articulately. she drunks ensure as her only source of sustinance and nutrition. she doesnt walk, sleeps almost constantly. as far as my life, work has slowed down, but that doesnt make it easy. i had only 1 day off this week. we've lost 2 of our summer crew, and now its 4 people in the office again, we will probably be hireing someone else soon... or else everyone works 6 days a week. work is almost all i do anymore. makes me sad. occasionally i play a game or two, but now i dont hardly have time anymore... **also, my heart goes out to those in luisianna and mississippi and any of the other gulf coast states that are being ravaged by katrina. some of my most beloved places are being destroyed, and i feel deeply for you all.**

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August 7th, 2005

Subject: yeah... Time: 07:11 am Current Mood: tired

i've be kind of slow about updating, i know. work has been killing me, the game keeps me up all night and then when ryan is home me makes me play ff7 :p oh well. my hours at work are getting longer again, i worked a 10-hour shift yesterday. this will be a weekly thing. some poor soul will have to do a split shift, as i did. it wont always be me, thankfully... but then i like the overtime pay. anyway. theres more to say later, but i have to leave soon. and is there any reason i have Jesus In a Bottle by the Dead Milkmen in my head? ...no? didnt think so. ok, i'm just going crazy.

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July 1st, 2005

Current Music: none Time: 07:16 am Current Mood: indifferent

so, sunday, ryan's emo-death-thrash-metal band (haha, or better known as "We Will Know Them) Amdist the Blood and Black (Under a Pale White Moon"... :p j/k) has a battle of the bands on the 3rd, wish them luck. i will be spitting out a fancy-shmancy website for them soonish... im sooo glad i bought that coffee cup html editor, despite its price-tag. its nice *joy* anyway. hi-ho hi-ho... i gots work.

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June 16th, 2005

Current Music: Neurosis- Away Subject: every weekend is a new thing Time: 09:21 am Current Mood: sleepy

theres always something wrong with the trains. stupid vintage machinery. Edit- July 19, 2005 to further this point: today the motorcar broke down again, thankfully, before it had even been moved. so our diesel train took all the happy father's day patrons down to northspur for treats. we were about 20-30 minutes late. meanwhile, in ft bragg, upper management fired the couple that ran the consession and souvineer booths at northspur because they refused to open the booths today. its fathers day, i dont blame them... but if i gotta work, then so do they. oh well. sad to see em go, they were really nice.

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June 3rd, 2005

Current Music: train music, kill me please. Subject: Oh, for the love of...! Time: 09:37 am Current Mood: frustrated

well. we had our motor car derail today, hence, we had to take the diesel train to Northspur, at 9 am, hence canceling the 11:00 am train. On top of that someone didnt pay our phone bill here, and we have no phones. thankfully we still have internet. so. here i shall vent frustriation and then proceed to fold 4th of july-ish red, white & blue banners...: sonofamothershitbitchass! *yanks hair out* argh! ok. thats better.

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May 28th, 2005

Current Music: Android Lust- Refuse (accustic) Subject: summer opening Time: 08:41 pm Current Mood: exhausted

eleven hours. of torment. this ungoddly day began at the inhumane hour of 5:40am, when ryan woke me with his nightly congestion issues. i gotta buy that boy some breathe-right strips. anywho... went to work, decorated motor car m-100 and the diesel train with banners and flags for memorial day weekend. at 8 am people began arriving, we opened. we packed the motor car to capacity and had to turn a load of grumpy butt-hurt people away, or direct them to the later shorter train rides at 11am and 2pm. argh. they left, i bought morning munchies and shared. 11 am, next train, many people... same old usual crap. 11:30 lunch to 12:30... got a nice burrito and went and gawked at art in the country mall.. bought fly swaters :). sat on my ass until 1 when i got back, sold tickets and giftshop thingies. at 2, next train is gone, see ya. sit around, veronica goes to lunch, adam's cousin visits... blah blah blah. train returns, we start counting drawers, day winds down.. then... we are $90 over >.< we look it over, and realise it was from a man who bought tickets the day before with cash after the ticket drawer was closed. crisis averted to $15 under now, after mass recount. so, count ticket stubs, count passenger list, count money... nope, we are off. well, better than expected for the begining of the summer session. as boring a nd quiet as i make it sound, it wasnt, believe me. rawrg. got out of there at 6pm. so, i have +2hrs of overtime. hurray. some how it doesnt feel so good. and from working here i have gained a new facination with trains. please shoot me.

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May 21st, 2005

Current Music: Black Irish Band- The Sierra Time: 12:13 pm Current Mood: blah

i have returned to ffxi, i will also be playing wow from time to time... i dunno... well, work is the same as usual, slow, boring... i dont even think we had mail today.... been munching on stale chips and chipotle salsa, yum... and updating RP stories and whatnot on my ffxi linkshell's board... but thats it. oh well, boring me.

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May 13th, 2005

Subject: just because Time: 11:44 am

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Time: 11:03 am Current Mood: cynical

friday the thirteenth. hmm, well got up this morning and had a little spat with ryan... think he might be alittle cranky later because of it. at least he said he loved me this morning... i dunno. heather is having issuses with her mother-in-law... but who isnt... its making her miserable, but she is feeling better, and thats good. hostess cupcackes make great therapy. anyway, we have a tour group today and im here all alone in the office again... went to bed at 1:30am last night, think i didnt go to sleep til 2 though, got up at 8:30am cranky and headachey and congested... argh. think i might re-install ffxi when i get home, or not... i dunno... i miss my ffxi friends... i doubt anyone will be uberly excited to see me... its the same when i go home... thats something i've been thinking about, too, lately... i have money now and i can afford to make a good trip home, and make it exciting for the girls if they go too. i mostly miss my familly and want to do some good shopping... but i suppose i could shop in here in cali as well, but, that means a 3 hour drive or walmart, neither of which excites me much. if i am going to go 3 hours, might aswell go home... or something like that. i do want to see my family again, mother's day made me feel very nostolgic for home... i sent her pink roses, some how it doesnt seem like enough... i could get a plane or train ticket there for about the cost of 2-3 paychecks and then save up a few more for expences in town, i know heather wants to take a train. k uber-babble over now. i dont think i have anything else interesting to say today(not that i said anything interesting anyway). so yeah, might be in San Antonio in August(with friends) or November(solo). whichever.

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